KEEPING AN EVEN KEEL

How things have changed from a couple of months ago! It was pretty rough sailing then with increasing pain, tumors getting larger, less and less energy and more and more physical limitations.

The phrase "keeping and even keel," of course, is a nautical term for steadiness and/or control of a vessel, regardless of the weather and sea conditions. Sometimes it's easier than others to keep an even keel and I find it much easier now than in December and January.

It's interesting to look back and recall how my perspective was closing in on me.

Do-able distances were getting shorter -- for walking, for daily area activities and for traveling. At Christmas I had to pass on a day of sightseeing in the city and a trip to Alcatraz with the family because I just didn't have the stamina for that type of outing. I hesitated going too far from the house for too long, concerned that I would get over-fatigued and pay the price for it later with increased pain.

Time horizons were shrinking as well. Rather than thinking about plans for Spring or Summer, I could only see out a few weeks, or even days. I just didn't have the confidence in my health to venture any plans beyond that.

The sea was choppy and getting more turbulent day by day. I was stuck in open water, not sure of my course and my harbor of refuge, if I were to reach one, was still distant.

With a positive response to the medications I am on, however, my perspective is getting back to normal. I feel comfortable leaving the house for the day, going shopping and out for lunch without physically taxing myself. Activities like running, tennis and biking are renewed possibilities. We are even making plans to get back on to the boat in a couple of months and cruise with friends down to the Bahamas.

That's not to say I still don't have to work at keeping an even keel. As well as I am responding to the medication, there is just not enough experience with these new immunotherapy protocols to know how long they will work and wether or not the effect is durable. I don't know how long I will need to have these bi-weekly infusions and I don't know how long the cancer will be repressed.

I am also still testing, and learning, my current physical limits. Is my increased pain today a result of my increased activity yesterday? Will my side effects get worse, or my immune response diminish if I push myself too hard? Will there be days I will need to restrain myself from doing what I want for the longer term benefit of my health?

These questions, though, will have to be considered in the context of getting back onto the boat. That is something I look forward to with great anticipation. During those most difficult days and nights, to help me remain steady, in control and centered, I imagined myself at the helm of my boat, keeping an even keel.